Never Again
by Canoodles
Summary: The Avengers discover that Steve has never been to a McDonald's. They intend to rectify that problem. Now expanded into a series of one-shots!
1. Chapter One

**Hi! I just wanted to add a side note: I don't have anything against McDonald's and I know that McDonald's is definitely far from what I described here. Sorry if I offended anyone! I exaggerated everything purely for comedic purposes!**

**Please enjoy!**

When Steve had informed the rest of the team that he had never been to a McDonald's before, he had not expected such an explosive reaction.

"You're telling me," Tony said, as Clint munched furiously on his McNuggets, perched on top of one of the tables, "that Captain America, who is the _Captain_ of _America,_ has never, in his life, been to a McDonald's, a restaurant which – by the way – is the epitome of American cuisine?"

"I wouldn't consider it cuisine, Stark," Natasha pointed out drily. Tony ignored her.

"Even Thor's been to a McDonald's and he's not even a human," Tony said.

Thor, who was poking at the coffee maker, nodded seriously. "Indeed. I recall that the Big Mac was the most delicious of the delicacies offered." Thor had inhaled ten Big Mac's and what was most likely half of the restaurant's supply of chicken nuggets during that particular trip.

Clint held up one of his nuggets in indignation. "Everyone knows that's a false statement, Thor. The chicken nuggets are the best."

"I found a hair in my salad once," Natasha interjected. "It was disgusting." She turned to Steve and rolled her eyes. "Really Steve, you're not missing out on much, unless you like getting your arteries clogged."

"That," Tony said, jabbing a finger at Natasha, "was your own fault. Who the hell orders a salad from McDonald's?"

"Don't tell me how to live my life, Stark."

"On the contrary, Romanoff, I think I'd frankly make a fantastic life coach."

Steve watched the conversation with faint amusement. "Stark, it's not that much of a big deal. It's on my list, I've just never really gotten around to it."

"Not that much of a big deal?" Tony's voice nearly went up an octave. "Bruce!" He flailed his arms at the scientist, who was curled up in an armchair, sipping tea. "Back me up here!"

Bruce glanced up from his drink and surveyed the scene, fighting back a smile. "Sorry Steve, I'm with Tony on this one."

Tony clapped his friend on the back. "I knew you were my favorite for a reason, doctor." He turned back towards the rest of the team. "So it's official. We're going to McDonald's."

"But I need to finish up the reports for our last –"

"No buts, old man." Tony snatched up his sunglasses and slid them onto his face. "Suit up. We're going on a team field trip."

"Oh hell no, Stark," Clint said. "The last time we went on a team field trip Thor nearly destroyed the lion exhibit at the zoo."

Thor looked offended. "It was an accident! I mistook them for Bilgesnipe!"

"They look nothing like Bilgesnipe! They don't even have antlers!"

"Perhaps if Stark had not given me so much to drink beforehand, I would have realized that!"

"Calm down Hammerhead, no hard feelings, alright?" Tony patted Thor on the arm. "I can assure you that there will be no Bilgesnipe at McDonald's. Personally. With utmost security. And – "

"We get it Stark." Steve sighed and fished the keys to his motorcycle out of his pocket. "Let's get this over with."

Tony smirked. "I knew you would see my side of the argument at some point Captain."

* * *

The McDonald's was… underwhelming, to say the least.

From the way Tony had described it on the way there, Steve had expected piles of juicy hamburgers and fries with the American flag plastered all over the walls and the national anthem playing over the speakers ("McDonald's _is _America, Rogers. You'll fit in spectacularly").

What greeted him was a greasy looking room with a statue of a clown in the corner that kind of gave him the heebie-jeebies ("That's Ronald McDonald," Clint had whispered).

The bored looking teenager at the register raised an eyebrow. "Can I take your order?"

"Uh, yes." Tony did a quick headcount. "Shakespeare in the Park here will take ten of your finest Big Macs." Thor nodded in approval. "The red-head will have, what is it again, a _salad_, please, with minimal hair, and Katniss will have –"

"More chicken nuggets." Clint held up his empty box. "I ran out."

"More chicken nuggets," Tony said, grinning. "The doctor'll have –"

"Nothing, thanks."

"- some apple dippers and I'll have a Quarter-pounder with cheese."

The teenager punched a few buttons in his register before turning his gaze to Steve. "Is he gonna order, or…"

Steve shuffled awkwardly and stared at the menu.

"I strongly advise that you try the Big Macs," Thor said wisely.

"No way, get the chicken nuggets Steve."

"Hey look Thor, there's a Mac Snack Wrap. It's like a Big Mac but in a wrap!"

"I must have one!"

Steve looked at Natasha helplessly. She shrugged. "Don't look at me, Steve, I didn't want to come in the first place."

The teenager raised the other eyebrow at him.

"Uh." Steve's mouth was dry. "I'll uh… I'll have a… Fillet-o-Fish?"

Tony groaned. "Bad choice, Steve, bad choice."

"Sorry?"

"Is that all?" The teenager procured a piece of gum from her pocket and put it in her mouth, chewing loudly.

Steve cleared his throat. "Yes."

"Would you like fries with that?"

"Hell yeah we'd like fries with that," Clint said, pumping ketchup into his empty chicken nugget box. "I can't have my nuggets without my fries."

The teenager looked unimpressed. "Your total is $61.19."

"I thought you said this place was cheap," Steve said, his eyes widening he stared at the display on the cash register.

Tony snorted. "It is, considering we're feeding Thor ten Big Macs."

* * *

Steve prodded his sandwich with apprehension. The bread was wilting slightly and the fish had a grayish tinge. It looked a bit suspicious to him. He debated sniffing it.

Tony was sprawled out on one of the seats, his feet crossed obnoxiously on the table. "See, Cap, I told you it was the wrong choice."

"Shut up." Steve picked up the sandwich and stared intently at it, as if willing it to turn into something more appealing.

Bruce took pity on him. "Do you want one of my apple slices?" He offered to bag to Steve. Steve waved them away.

"No, no, no. I can do this."

He took a small, tentative bite.

Then promptly coughed it back up.

Natasha looked up from her salad. "That bad, huh?" Steve coughed again and nodded. "If it helps, I found another hair in my salad."

"You can have one of my chicken nuggets," Clint called from where he and Thor were eating with gusto. "Or Thor can lend you a Big Mac."

"They are delicious!"

Steve shook his head and wiped his mouth with a napkin. "No thanks, guys."

Tony pouted. "Come on, Steve. Just because you don't like Fillet-o-Fishes doesn't mean you don't like anything else from McDonald's. Get that stick out of your ass. Try something new. Don't be such an old man."

"Oh haha, Stark, very funny." Nevertheless, Steve took one of Clint's chicken nuggets and munched on it thoughtfully, Clint eagerly watching his expression.

"It's… not bad."

"Hey, not bad!" Clint threw his hands up with delight. "That's pretty good, right?"

"Captain!" Thor slammed a fist on the table, making Steve jump. "I demand that you try a Big Mac!" He thrust a wrapped burger into Steve's hands.

"It's… it's okay, I guess."

"But chicken nuggets are better, right?" Clint said, snatching the Big Mac out of Steve's hands and replacing it with another chicken nugget.

"Uh."

"Here, try it with ketchup, it tastes better with ketchup."

"Captain, I assure you Big Macs taste infinitely better with ketchup as well."

"Thor doesn't know what's good for you. Chicken nuggets are awesome."

"Boys, leave Steve alone. You're making him uncomfortable."

Steve felt like shrinking into the floor.

* * *

After the cashier called security and Tony promised to pay for the shattered window and broken deep-fryer, the Avengers exited the McDonald's.

Steve took out his notebook and crossed out the line that read: _Go to a McDonald's_.

After a moment, he scrawled two more words next to it.

_Never again. _

And underlined it. Twice.


	2. Chapter Two

**Sorry about the reposting of the first chapter, was screwing with me. Here's the real chapter!**

**More crack wheeee! Thanks for all of the reviews and favorites and alerts for the last chapter! They really mean a lot to me and encourage me to keep writing. I originally intended for Never Again to be a one shot, but then I figure 'ah what the hell, I have time let's write some more random crap about the things Steve gets up to in this strange new world' so I've decided to expand this into a series of one shots. This one features Tony, Bruce, Steve (of course), and Clint and Steve's first encounter with the life-ruiner that we call Netflix and is really short. **

**I had a particular TV show in mind when I wrote this, bonus points for whoever can guess it (I realize my description of it is very vague, but whatever just take a wild stab at it)! :D**

**Please enjoy!**

* * *

"He's converted Steve," Tony whispered from where he was hiding behind the couch. "What do I do?"

Bruce glanced over at where Clint and Steve were curled up on the carpet, watching the television intently. "Tony-"

"SHHHHHHH."

"Tony," Bruce started again, quieter this time, "this is ridiculous."

"Ridiculous? Ridiculous?" Tony looked scandalized. "I don't think you understand the severity of this situation Bruce." He pulled Bruce down behind the couch and grasped his shoulders. "He's. Converted. Steve."

"Tony-"

"Who's next? Thor?" Tony's eyes widened. "Natasha?" he whispered loudly, horrified.

Bruce squeezed the bridge of his nose. "You know, I think we should just let them enjoy this."

Tony made an exasperated noise. "Look at them! They're pathetic," he exclaimed, struggling to keep his voice down and pointing.

Clint had a bowl on ice cream balanced on his pillow and was sniffling softly and Steve had buried his head into his blanket, sobbing unashamedly whilst Clint patted his head.

"This cannot go on in my house," Tony whispered furiously.

"What do you want me to do about it?"

Tony waved his arms around wildly. "I don't know! You're responsible and mature and shit, they'll listen to you!"

Clearly, deciding to live with the team had been the worst mistake Bruce had ever made. When he took up the offer, he had not been made aware of his new requirements as official team dad.

He should start making dad jokes, just to spite them.

"Fine, Tony, fine." Bruce stood up and walked in front of the T.V., pausing the episode currently playing.

"Hey! I was watching that," Clint said through a mouthful of ice cream. "That's my favorite part!"

Bruce set the remote down. "Clint Barton," he said in the firmest voice he could muster. "How many hours of Netflix have you watched so far today?"

Clint looked slightly ashamed of himself. "Six."

"And did you think coercing Steve into watching with you was a good idea?"

"I did at the time," Clint mumbled.

"And was it?"

Clint took one look at Steve, who was currently trying to rein in his tears, and replied "no" in a tiny voice before shrinking back as if trying to melt into the carpet.

"And Steve."

Steve looked up and hiccuped, his hair mussed and his eyes bloodshot.

"You are a grown man."

"But," Steve pointed weakly at the television screen. "Everyone he loves keeps dying and-"

"Steve, you are a grown man," Bruce repeated.

"But it's sad," Steve mumbled.

Bruce glared at them both. "Steve, no more Netflix for you for today."

A flash of hope lit up Clint's face.

"No more Netflix for you either, Clint."

Clint pouted.

"And clean this mess up." Bruce gestured at the mess of pillows, blankets, and tissues on the floor. "Now."

Grumbling mostly incoherent words to themselves ("Stupid Bruce" "Grown men can _too_ cry"), Steve and Clint set about picking up their stuff.

"Thank you."

Tony clapped Bruce on the back as he left the room. "You're my favorite, Bruce!"

"I didn't sign up for this," Bruce muttered underneath his breath.

Tony merely grinned wider. "But you still love us, right?"

Bruce rolled his eyes and couldn't stop a small smile. "Right."


End file.
